In planning for a baby, have you ever thought about what happens when things do not go exactly as planned? For one in six couples today, even the best pre-conceptual planning will not have the desired result of a baby in nine months. One of two events will happen: either a pregnancy will not be achieved or an achieved pregnancy will not be carried to term. Either of these outcomes results in tremendous stress and frustration for a couple because each represents a blocked desire of the heart in an area of life over which the couple has no control.

At some point in their life together, most couples see children as a part of their life plan. Most couples assume they are fertile and whenever they are ready to conceive, they will. Because of these assumptions, they may have a difficult time admitting there may be a problem. They are often shocked or dismayed when they cannot produce a child. Emotions might also include anger that life is not going as planned, denial that a problem may exist, guilt at a body that won’t produce a child, blame toward a spouse, fear that a spouse may leave for a fertile partner, regret over past lifestyle choices, or jealousy of other people with children.

The inability to conceive a child is often one of the first events in a person’s life that he or she is unable to control, Up until this time, most of life’s major decisions such as choice of schooling or profession, whom to marry, or where to live have been carried out with few problems. Personal goals and professional achievements have been acquired with skill, hard work, and perseverance. Producing a child is often the first goal that a person is unable to achieve by effort alone.

For women, this inability to make a baby is especially upsetting. Many of us were taught from the earliest days when we played with dolls that we would have a baby someday. We have no difficulty seeing ourselves in a motherhood role. We believe that if we just take good care of our body with proper diet, rest, and exercise , or if we don’t abuse drugs or alcohol, then our body won’t let us down when it comes time to conceive a baby. Sadly, this is not always true. Some women, no matter what they do, will be unable to make their body achieve or maintain a pregnancy. This results in feelings of sadness, emptiness, and low self-esteem.

When hopes are dashed month after month, couples often seek medical help. Many infertility treatments are often painful, invasive, and financially demanding. They may destroy a couple’s privacy, distract the couple from their occupations, and generally consume their lives. This results in many emotional issues which must be addressed. In dealing with these aspects, many couples ask, “Why us? What did we do to deserve this?” They may feel shame or embarrassment over a body that is not functioning “normally”. A couple may feel isolated from family or friends because they do not yet have children. Often there is frustration directed at each other or toward self. They may feel intense jealousy toward those who have children or who are pregnant. They feel out of control in the situation.

Some of the best coping strategies during this time include reading and learning as much about infertility as possible, communicating fears and feelings to your partner, and allowing private time to process all that you are going through. Finding an appropriate doctor and deciding what treatments, if any, to pursue are additional ways to feel back in control of the situation.

Even if you are not struggling to conceive, the chances are good that you know someone who is. Give them as much support and encouragement as you can. This may mean keeping comments about boxer shorts to yourself. Likewise, do not tell them to simply relax. Do not criticize them for any steps they may be taking as they try to cope. Some couples need and benefit from professional counseling. Others find a support group helpful, Everyone could use a friend just to listen whenever he or she wants to talk. One of the ways I survived infertility was in having such a friend. I could cry with her, tell her anything, and never have to apoplgize for what I was thinking or feeling. Maybe you could be such a friend to someone whose plans for a baby are not going as they had hoped. Just being a good listener can give people strength to endure one more test or treatment. Realize that infertility can overshadow everything a couple does. They may not feel comfortable in gatherings that include young children because their family seems incomplete. Holidays are particularly difficult because they mark the passage of still more time gone by without children. The problems with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are obvious. Seemingly simple activities such as shopping in the mall or grocery store are potentially difficult because seeing pregnant women or mothers pushing strollers is painful Attending baby showers for coworkers or christenings at church are impossible for some. Try to be sensitive in these types of situations. Someday this couple may be successful in achieving a pregnancy. They may adopt or they may accept a child free lifestyle.. However, until the day they come to resolution, be sensitive and support them as much as possible.

Having a baby is a blessed life event that most people take for granted. In planning for your baby, consider the possibility that in spite of your very best efforts, a baby might not come as easily as hoped. If this should happen to you, realize that help is available to assist you in overcoming any problems you may have so that your plans for a baby may become a reality.

Luann Johnson
Patient Advocate

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